There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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