I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
