note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize