Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize