i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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