dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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