Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
