well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
