two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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