Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
