i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize