I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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