You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
