Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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