A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
pray to the hookup gods
Dicks are not precious.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
