He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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