R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
