saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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