he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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