Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize