When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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