he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i think im in europe. pls send help
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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