i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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