Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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