So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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