He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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