the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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