have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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