i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
