before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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