The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
we should paint friendship bongs
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