Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize