I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
