shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
