I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
