I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
