Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
