JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
