Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize