I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
