I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
