at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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