Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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