I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize