If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just shotgunned beers for America
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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