Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
