biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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