dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
