I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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