I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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