So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
