Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize