She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
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