my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
