Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
