im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
