Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
