Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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