Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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