My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
