i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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