I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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