If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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