sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
