Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize