I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
