I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
