My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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