and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
