I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
